Thursday, February 24, 2005

KotB Press appearance

Fade into a crowded room with an empty podium and dozens...well, a dozen...okay four reporters, two camara men and a Kangaroo named Ganon in the audience. (Man! That guy shows up everywhere doesn't he?)

(Mr. Warmonger walks into the room from aside door, wlaks up to the podium, drops some notes on one of those yellow legal pads on the podium, and squares himself off, surveying his small but eager audience.)

Monger: Ahem.

(clears throat and takes a small sip of water)

Monger: In case anyone has been wondering why I've called this impromptu press conference together you need only review my opponent's latest scurrilous statements against my person.

(shuffles feet a bit and looks down at notes)

Monger: I would like to state for the record that all of these accusations are simply...

(leans forward into the camara for effect)

Monger: untrue.

(brief pause)

Monger: I was not the second gunman on the grassy knoll, nor was I the first. In fact, I was completely incapable of doing so as my DNA was still residing in Washington state at the time. Furthermore, I wasn't able to grasp anything, including my mother's finger until 1974, in a small town community known as Bellingham. My record has already shown that where I was at the time of the incident. There are no other documents that I can turn over to public scrutiny and I come to today to clear the record once and for all.

(looks down at notes again, takes another sip of water and squares off on the poduim again)

Monger: Now, as for the Anthrax scare of 2001, I was never at that concert. I was busy with some urgent paperwork and gave my tickets to a close and personal friend of mine, Nickie Goomba. Nickie said he had a wonderful time up until the Liberal stampede. I still feel a bit guilty for the damage sustained by his blog, but that's my story and I'm stickin' to it.

(looks down at notes again, turns paper over, scribbles something, nods to Ganon and takes a deep breath)

Monger: Now that all of this is cleared up I'd like to know something from my opponent. Since I have been more than forthright with my record and have been fully investigated, why does my opponent still refuse to sign her DD form 180? All it would require is a stroke of the pen and the real truth will be revealed.

(looks intently into the camera)

Monger: What are you hiding Dr. Sanity? Are there skeletons in your closet that you don't want to share with the public? Will it show that you were never really in Cambodia on Christmas eve? Will it show that it was actually you on the grassy knoll in 1963? What are you afraid of Doctor? Yes, the truth remains to be shown, but not by me.

(relaxes a bit and eases back from the podium slightly)

Monger: Okay, does anyone of the press have any questions?

(there is a scramble of voices until Ganon smacks down the other four journalists)

Ganon: Is it true that you're nothing more than a facist Bush monkey that takes his marching order from Karl Ro...

(ten security agents jump out of the shadows and drag him kicking and and screaming out of the press room)

Ganon: How many more trees have to die before you people..SLAM!

(there's a moment of silence)

Monger: Okay, questions from any real reporters.

Monger: Angela, go ahead.

Angela: Is it true that Nickie Goomba scalped the tickets and made the whole blog story up because he screwed up his HTML on his own? Isn't that just a fabrication?

Monger: I have it on very good authority that the BLA is just about to capture the culprits that destroyed his original blog, and as for the scalping, well, Nickie told me personally that he was there and I believe him.

Monger: next question. Daisy, go ahead.

Daisy: Have you heard the one about the ping pong bal.. er... tennis testi..

Monger: Yes, and I'm sorry but we don't have time to retell it in this forum. Thank you anyway.

Monger: Anyone else? William, what's your question?

William: Is it true that you're into sex with a gay penguin named Steve?

Monger: I did not have sexual relations with that penguin. Not once.

(Monger looks at his watch)

Monger: Well, that appears to be all the time we have. Thank you all for coming and I woudl appreciate your votes in the KotB elections. Thank you and good night.

(Hat tip: Daisy Cutter for the press conference format.)

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