Wednesday, February 02, 2005

How to be a terrorist

Come! Gather 'round all my infidel bretheren! I must speak to you of a grand opportunity! You to can become a terrorist hostage taker. Yes, that's right! You can become an infidel hating terrorist and make demands upon random countries by holding hostages! All you need to do is follow my instructions. It's easy! (patent pending).

Want to make quality hostage videos just like the pros? Would you like your internet site laden with photos like this one:

Don't worry. This will not get messy. I promise. The only way it could get messy is if you have a problem with the modeling epoxy. Here's what you do:

Step 1: Go here.

Step 2: Purchase props for photo. Don't be afraid to get creative with your prop selections. I'm sure there are several 1/16th scale WWII era German infantrymen running around Iraq these days. Examples of props for purchase:

Go with an old standard. It's been used before with success on MSNBC so why not try it again?

This one's pretty plausible. There are tons of journalists running around Iraq. This is the one most likely to garner success.

Imagine the look on their faces when you show them the great Satan, Bush as your hostage!

Total cost: 39.95 plus tax

Step 3: get small black flag with arabic writing from here. Yes, it's a tee shirt. Just cut the Saudi Arabian flag portion out and tack the corners to the wall. No one will know the difference because it's in Arabic. Infidels can't read Arabic, so you're fine.

Total cost: 19.95 plus 3.50$ for shipping

Step 4: Set up photo shoot. If you need a reference refer to the first picture found here for inspiration.

Step 5: Take a photo and upload to your "freedom fighter" website. Ensure to translate your page to Arabic to give it that authentic feel using this translation software.

Total cost: 19.95 plus shipping and handling

Step 6: Make sure you give some outrageous demands like making all Barbies worldwide wear Burkhas.

Ther you go. That't it. You're done. Nothing more to do. Just make sure you don't publish your real address anywhere on the website so they can't trace you back to your house.

Total cost for setting up a realistic hostage photo: 85-100$

Fooling a news outlet into a spoof worthy of Dan Rather: Priceless.

(This post in no way links me to terrorists, jihadists, Al Queda, Hamas, Greenpeace, insurgents, Llamas, or S'mores and the representation thereof. This is a spoof. I love America and everyone in it. I deplore the act of terror as a great evil of our time and hope that terror, and puppy smoothies are stricken from the face of the earth.)

Digger has noted that I forgot the trackback list. My bad. Here goes:
Armies of Liberation
Blogs for Bush
Digger's Realm
My Pet Jawa 2.0
ISOU (Much better list than mine)

Yep, that about covers it.

I think the "World Police" articles were probably the best. How can you NOT laugh about this?

1 comment:

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