Thursday, November 25, 2004

Glenn Reynolds: A year in review.

There are many people in the realm of free bloggers that believe that Glenn Reynolds, the Instapundit, leads a normal life as a normal guy with an abnormal ability to write commentary on current events. I'm here to tell you it's all lies, smoke and mirrors, frivolities, reports worthy of Dan Rather, they're just plain wrong!

Through a bit of research, a few FOIA suits, a bottle of Wild Turkey (tis' the season), and a bribe to his undocumented maid I managed to completely destroy the man that all of those Instapundites love so dearly. To speak frankly, he's got a rap sheet longer than ODB's. Because of how much he's got on him I'm just going to do a year in review:

Instapundit Glenn Reynolds, A Year in Review: 2004

FEB 27: A Glenn fan comes clean and confesses to some of the horrors about Mr. Glenn Reynolds. He is a Satan-worshipping, hobo-murdering, Vespa-driving freak. He secretly calls the Instapundit: "Evil Glenn".

APR 29: Another Glenn fan admits that the Instapundit is, in reality, a mafia lord. That's right folks. Mild mannered, shark-biting lawyer, Glenn Reynolds is: The Blogfather.

JUL 18: Evil Glenn Reynolds is found out as the force behind the New York Times. He is also known for his incitefully stinky feet.

SEP 03: (I had to go all the way to Australia for this one.) Glenn Reynolds' plan to assimilate his readers into a phase much darker than anything in the Patriot Act has in mind: Constant observations from one's own digital cameras. It doesn't end there. He plans to convince his mindless zombies to purchase only the products he suggests, a sort of digicam mind control.

SEP 24: It is discovered that Evil Glenn Reynolds has infiltrated PayPal and is forcing them to investigate all blog users using the service and sue them for 500$ each if they do not conform with his standards. If they do not comply with his sadistic standards he will sue them for their blood, he is a lawyer after all.

SEP 29: Glenn Reynolds is caught in the act of drinking blood from the freshly severed neck of a hen! "He practically performed the entire satanic ritual right there! I had to leave before he got to the puppies I just couldn't watch anymore!" said one hostess.

OCT 04: Glenn Reynolds makes an attempt to infringe upon the Constitutional rights of the people of D.C. by making legal statements that they are not entitled to them since D.C. is not technically a state. Mindless anarchy quickly erupts.

OCT 08: Glenn Reynolds admits to bribing officials in Iraq with relation to the widely controversial and popularized "Global Test". However, I have since been told by some Glennite hardbloggers that everything I know is wrong and I should stop spreading vicious lies.

NOV 11: Glenn Reynolds does his best to conceal a stash of his own Sarin gas nerve agent that was found in Fallujah. He disavows that it was ever his and claims that the insurgents had it on their own. (We all know the truth Glenn. They were holding it for safe keeping. You better pick a better hiding place next time.)

NOV 17: Glenn Reynolds proves his liberal bigotry by supporting racist caricatures of African Americans. He shows support for cartoon showing Condi Rice as just another Uncle Tom.

NOV 19: Evil Glenn Reynolds' plans for a hobo-amusement park in Berkeley, CA in order to sacrifice their souls to Satan are thwarted with a Bad Example. He was going to call it "Glennyland". I think it was the badgers that saved us...might have been the Llamas too.

NOV 23: Evidence is found that Glenn Reynolds has a Puppy Blender and has been using it for some time. Upon further investigation Wikipedia removes all evidence of the words Puppy or Blender from his entry. For some unknown reason they added the line: "Help! Glenn is holding us hostage until we clean up his reputation!"

There are many, many more suits pending against instasatan from this year alone but these are some of the more egregious ones. Do not be fooled by his boyish charm and whatever you do, don't look into his eyes, or read his blog. That's where he will hypnotize you and turn you into one of his mindless zombies, hell-bent on making puppy with chicken blood smoothies to sell in his hobo-amusement park where he can sacrifice the hobos, and Los Lobos, to Satan.

All links in this article are presented with express consent of the Alliance of Free Bloggers.

And happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Even you Evil Glenn.

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