Friday, December 31, 2004

American Warmonger's 2005 Predictions

Well, here we are, at the end of another year. 2004 has come to a close and 2005 is just beginning. We've seen many great achievements; Lance Armstrong won his 6th Tour De France, the Ansari X-prize was captured, Yassir Arafat's death is heralded as an opportunity for peace, Martha Stewart went to jail and Zell Miller challenged someone to a duel. All in all, this was a pretty good year. I'm sure not everyone will agree with me, but this year was a pretty good one as years go. It gets me excited to see what next year has in store.

So withought further babbling...or with further babbling, as the case may be, here are my predictions for the year 2005:

Let's start with the big one, Bush and Rumsfeld will be inticted on charges stemming from what the International Federation of Red Cross, Red Crescent has considered crimes against humanity. The case will be besmirched in controversy and will finally be thrown out when the ICRC (The International Committee of the Red Cross) informs the public that they have conducted their own investigations of Gitmo and found that the IFRC's findings were tainted by someone angered by the Bush administration. They will also go on to note that the ICRC and the IFRC are two completely separate agencies and many countries have refused payment to the IFRC for unjust practices.

Early in 2005, the UN sponsored investigation of the Oil-for-Food scandal will return and announce that there was isolated events in which between five and ten persons will be named as violators. None of these names will be of any stature in the UN and Kofi Anan will be lauded as a man of integrity. His son will not even be mentioned.

The American sponsored investigation will convene late in the year and will cover a sweeping range of dignitaries. I'm guessing from 30 to 50 in all. They will come bearing irrefutable proof that will, of course, be refuted by the UN investigators and Kofi Annan himself. Remarkably, it will be the UN investigators that will be believed by the international community and Kofi will retain his job without incident. (I'll be screaming at the world about this but no media agancy will recognize the cover-up, except FOXNews.)
UN double standard

Yassir Arafat's appointed replacement, Mahmud Abbas, Will be elected as the Palestinian leader. The Hamas and other extremist groups will denounce his election as a farce and will fail in an assasination attempt. He will attempt to make peace with Israel and will be very close to sucess when a series of suicide bombers disrupt these talks. The world will be completely stunned when Abbas asks for Israeli military support in rooting out and destroying these terrorists. Eventually, Abbas will be assasinated by the Hamas or Hizbollah, but not in 2005.

Elections in Iraq go off smoothly on Jan 30th and are quickly denounced by the terrorists. Terrorism actually increases for a short period afterwards, but is put to an end by the governing party. The ensuing vigilance against terrorism makes the U.S. resolve look like Mr. Rogers...the cute and cuddly one, not the Marine with a mess of confirmed kills and tattoos up and down his arms. Coincidentally, the terrorism all but stops. It goes so far as to include my next prediction:

Osama will still not captured. Zarqawi will be captured around mid-year. He will not make it to trial. His naked, charred body will be drug through the streets like the Saddam statue and will eventually be hung from a bridge, quite possibly the same one in Fallujah the three Americans were hung from.

Evidence that Syria is housing tons of ammunition for Iraq but there will be no explanation as to how the WMD got across the border or who brought them there. Speculations will rise that the weapons are a hoax but will be proven wrong when a warehouse explodes, killing dozens of Syrians.

This will then lend rise to the belief that the guy from the state department that claimed the Russians moved it was telling the truth. It will turn into a more philosophical political question as to whether certain secrets should be kept that way...Do you like how I just redirected the topic from Russians moving stuff to whether we should hide secrets? Keep an eye out. It will be about as obvious when the government does it.

Economy will continue to rise slowly, dipping in all the traditional places. Many analysts will either point to the potentiality for either a recession or an imaginary inflation as right around the corner. However, the numbers will not lie and we will be in the black.

Doom and Gloomists will point to the new Social Security bill as the cause of a temporary rise in the stock market, but will be shown as overly pessimistic when the college professors or macroeconomics have all come back with the same fact: the amount plugged into the stock market will not be enough to cause the doom and gloomers' bubble and burst. They will show it as a small but permanent increase.

Once the elections in Iraq are finilized, the price for a barrel of oil will drop down to about 35$ a barrel. Strangely, gas prices will only drop about .15¢. This will lead way for investigation as to why the prices of gas did not fall further. When it is learned that the oil companies are not using their resources efficiently and skimming off the top, one of America's new interests will be to hold oil companies accountable for every penny they spend.

It will also lead the way for auto manufacturers producing hybrid vehicles. The waiting list for fuel efficient vehicles will gain a 3-6 month backlog. They will literally not be able to turn them out fast enough to keep up with demand. Because of this, the Toyota Prius will be named the car of the year for the second year in a row.

In movies, "The Passion" will not win any Oscars, but all viewers' choice awards will place it within the top three. Again, no one will notice because "Jews and Scientologists own the media". (No offense meant JulieB.) Christians will call it a tragic event, but they will be dismissed publicly because they live in "Jesusland".

In sports, Lance armstrong will win his seventh Tour De France. As with every year he performs, he'll be accused of doping and proven clean once again. The french will grumble a bit until he announces that he'll be changing his citizenship to French. Coincidentally, all allegations about doping will be dropped and he will be embraced as a Frenchman. After all, it would then mean that France one seven Tour De France events and not some facist American.

The Red Sox will not win the world series as the Yankees beat them in a sweep. Apparently, the curse only took a one year haitus. The death knell will ring when Captain Caveman, their center fielder, tears a ligament in his knee and is out for the season. He'll then be traded to the New York Yankees for a big fat check and their playoff hopes will be flushed down the tubes once again as Jesus, aka Captain Caveman, pushes another piano into the East River.

An actively gay person in hollywood, name yet unknown, will come out of the closet and admit that they're actually straight. They only played gay to fit in with the crowd better. This person will then be ruthlessly attacked by everyone in the business due to what they call "going back in the closet", or misleading us for all of these years. They will never get an acting gig again.

Due to the Tsunami, many people will turn to the terrorist groups doing their best to recruit new people to their cause. For years to come, people will mark the day after Christmas, 2004 as the day terror gained a new foothold in the region.

N. Korea will come to the table to surrender their nukes in return an ample supply of food and aid. THe talks will become shaky when there is a fight over how the aid is distributed. Kim Jong Il will want to control how the food and aid is distributed but the U.S. will want to ensure that the food gets to the N. Koreans that really need it instead of the Army. In the end, China will step in and threaten N. Korea with force to seal the deal.

Controversy will surround American Idol when it is learned that the winners were not really contestants but were being promoted by their individual labels. It will also be discovered that Clay Aiken had an affair with Simon. Simon reports that Clay is rather good in bed but has no rhythm and gives him about a seven on a scale of one to ten.

Dick Clark will be back at the New York ball for the 2006 drop. Analysts will note that he mentioned stroke 52 times and rehab 71 times. Someone will also make the on-air mistake of stating that the stroke did wonders for his age lines and his hair never looked better.

Well, I think that's enough BS for the year. tune in next year when I finally fininsh the following pieces:

1. No nukes is good nukes part II
2. Is the U.S. doing the right thing? Part II
3. What does Appeasement buy you?
4. Workfare
5. Democratic Disownment
6. Absolution from oil

...and much much more!


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