Wednesday, August 04, 2004

Letters that could have been

Dear Whoopi,
I'm sort of on the fence about this whole election. Who should I vote for? What are the pros and cons of each candidate?
Sincerely,
Confused Voter

Dear Confused Voter,
Thank you for contacting me on this issue. As you should know, I've been studying the issues very closely and have taken everything that each candidate stands for into consideration. I have completely foregone anything my friends like Janeane Garofolo have told me about all the candidates and am completely going on the facts. I have come to the conclusion that we need to "keep Bush where it belongs and not in The White House". He's an evil war monger that eats small children. At least that's what I read from a good report in the Weekly World News.

Vote Kerry,

Whoopi

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Dear actors guild,

I recently recieved a letter from you that there will be a mandatory appearance at one or more of the Democratic events being held before the election. I've been a card carrying member of the Actor's Guild for 16 years now and this is the first time I've been requested to do something of this nature. I'm a bit confused about the whole thing. See, I am a Republican and would like a little clarification on this. Are you meaning Democratic in the broad sence of the word, like "we live in a Democratic society", or do you mean it in the party sence, like "Democrats have an ass for a moscott"? If it is the latter, I don't think I will be able to attend at it would be against my beliefs in government.

Sincerely,

Concientous Actor
Actors Guild Number: 000666


Dear Concientous Actor,

We are sorry to inform you that you are apparently misinformed about your status. It is readily known that anyone invloved in the Actor's Guild is a Democrat. In fact, did a little checking and per bylaw A184-69 Section 42 anyone claiming they are Republican or conservative will be immediately stricken from the afforementioned guild. It is known as the "You'll never work in this town again" clause. You may consider youself hereby banned from the guild and banished to no acting for the rest of your life.

Vote for Kerry,

Actor's Guild

1 comment:

Tom said...

Pretty clever letters, Jeremy! Nice parody

I was listening to Laura Ingraham's radio show this week. She's on vacation and the guest speaker was Jerry Doyle. He's the guy who played the security chief on the sci-fi series "Babylon 5". Of course I was pleasantly surprised that he's a conservative. They're so rare in the entertainment world that you always take note when you run across one.

I'll confess to being person #2.