Monday, August 30, 2004

Bush and Kerry: You Can't Polish A Turd

Setting: It's the standard morning in suberbia. Birds chirping, the sun just coming up, all the pretty houses sitting in a row, kind of like the scene from "The Truman Show". Enter John F. Kerry in a blue and George W. Bush in a red bathrobe walking out to get the morning paper.

GWB: Morning John.

JFK: Morning George.

They both walk out to the edge of their driveway, bend down to pick it up and look over towards their property line. There are two great big, steaming dog turds on their lawns, one on each side of the property.

JFK: How dare you George! How dare you allow your attack dogs to deficate on my Vietnamese Swift Grass! I demand a full apology and for you to put those foul beasts down! The smell is atrocious and it will invariably leave a big brown post on my beautifully pristine lawn!

GWB: Now hold on just a second John. You're not the only one staring crap in the face. I believe the pile on my property is Moore than yours and quite possibly stinks worse. Besides, I don't know what you're talking about by attack dogs. All I have is Barney and India and there is no way on earth that either of them could have dropped something that big.

JFK: That is of no consequence to me. It's your crap, now clean it up. It was one of your dogs who crapped on McCain's Prisoner-o-War Grass across the street and it must be one of your dogs doing it now.

GWB: Whatever John, both piles stink to high heaven and need to be gotten rid of. Give me a hand, you go grab a plastic bag and I'll get a shovel and we'll clean all 527 pieces of crap up. And it wasn't my dog that crapped on McCain's lawn. It was the guy down the street, you know the one, the one who's financing my plane, He's the one who dumped on his lawn and, come to think of it, that looks like one of his dog's stool on your lawn.

JFK: HA!! So you admit it. It was one of your dogs that did the deed! Shame on you Mr. Bush for lying about it! All of our neighbors will never forgive you when they find out! Now clean up this mess you made!

GWB: Now wait a minute here, I just said it wasn't my dog but the guy who financed my plane. Didn't that part get burnt into your memory? Now could you give me a hand and help clean up all of this crap?

JFK: Yes it was!

GWB: No it wasn't.

JFK: Yes it was!

GWB: No it wasn't.

JFK: Yes it was.

(This portion inspired by Jane.)

Bush begins to walk away to get a bag and a shovel.

JFK: Hey! Where do you think you're going?


Kerry just stepped in his pile of of crap. Bush hears the squish and looks back with that "EEWW!" look on his face.

Bush: Well, I do believe you've just stepped in it. You may as well get rid of those flip-flops now. They're ruined.

JFK: I'd really be for getting rid of them if I wasn't so against it. Me and my wife took a vote earlier about funding for some new flip flops but I voted against it. Now, it looks like I'll be voting FOR the flip flop funding.

Bush: Huh? Let me get this straight. You were against the funding before you were for it? The flip flops I mean. Is that right?

At this point Conan O'Brien comes by walking his dog, Triumph the Insult Comic Dog.

Conan: Hey guys, what's going on?

JFK: One of his attack dogs left a giant load of crap in my yard and now I've ruined my flip plops in it.

Conan: Triumph, do you know anything about this?

Triumph: Yes! It was me. John kicked me out of his party. So I pooped on his lawn. And the other one, Mr. Bush, it looked like such a beautiful lawn...FOR ME TO POOP ON!

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