Sunday, August 15, 2004

Charlie the president killer: The Play Excerpt

(As a pre-warning, nothing in this is meant to disrespect the more than 13 people who have lost their lives in Hurricane Charlie. It's just a spur of the moment parody I threw together. Enjoy.)

Setting: Hurricane Charlie has just hit west Florida hard, 13 people are confirmed dead and more are expected. The governor, Jeb Bush, has already visited the primarily effected areas. The Insurance Information Institute has the understanding that repairs will cost several billion dollars. There are 1,500 national guardsmen that were pre-deployed to the area but many more will need to be sent in to assist. President Bush, the governor's brother, declared Florida a federal disaster area. The president planned a visit Sunday to survey damage, and Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry, in a statement, offered "heartfelt sympathies".

Enter the Kerry war room:

Kerry: Did I sound better than Bush? Did I sound "Heartfelt"?

Former Clinton Intern: I don't really know. You were both about the same if you ask me.

Kerry: [expletive deleted]! We need a way to spin this so that Bush looks incompetent. Anybody got any ideas?

John Edwards: We could try and sue NOAA for the Hurricane?

John Kerry: What an idea! Could somebody get Edwards a new diaper, because he just spewed forth yet another load of crap! What are you thinking John? Get in the game!

John Edwards: Uhh...sorry John.

Mary Beth Cahil (The campaign manager): What we need to do is make it look like Bush as slow and ineffective. They need more national guardsmen right? Maybe we could say that there should have been more activated but weren't because they were all off in Iraq?

Former Clinton Intern: What are you stupid? There's plenty of guardsmen on standby and should be there by Tuesday or so. That will never work.

John Kerry: Now I see why Bill always kept something in your mouth. Will someone send the Intern on an errand. Hey intern! Where's Edwards' diaper? Fetch!

John Kerry: Sounds interesting. What else you got?

Mary Beth Cahil: Let me see, 13 people died, how can we play that?

John Edwards: Were they Democrats or Republicans?

Former Clinton Intern: I think it was a mixture of both.

John Kerry: Damn those murderous dogs; killing my Democrats. I bet those republicans were plants by Bush to try and sway the election by taking out the REAL voters.

Mary Beth Cahil: Lets get back to the angle; 13 people died, there were 13 original colonies. Hey, we could try and and go the old patriotic route. Sort of draw a parallel between the 13 people that fought and died to save Florida.

Former Clinton Intern: Are you nuts? They died because they got caught in a hurricane. The only thing they fought were wind and rain.

John Kerry: There you go intern girl. They fought the storm with their lives. They died valiantly in the face of adversity and its all Bush's fault. He let those 13 people down like he would have let the original 13 colonies down. [expletive deleted] brilliant!

Mary Beth Cahil: The only problem is if more than 13 people die. We need to find a way to stop the death reports. Kerry, now it's time for you to think. How can we stop the news?

John Kerry: Hmm..Ahh! I got it! We'll get Larry King to say only 13 people died. Let me call him up.

(Kerry punches a few buttons on his cell phone)

John Kerry: Hey, Larry. I've got a favor to ask. Is there any way you could keep the body count in Florida down to 13?

Larry King: It's already past 13 John; Why do you need this anyway?

John Kerry: It's for the campaign. I'm trying to spin something.

Larry King: Say no more John, I'm on it. How's this: I won't even announce it, I'll just have it run as a banner on the bottom of the screen and not even cut away to some putz on the ground who might slip up and give a bigger number. How's that sound?

John Kerry: Perfect! No one watches anything but you anyway. This should put us over the top! Talk to you later Larry. I think a new cabinet position may have just become available for you.


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