Wednesday, February 23, 2005


Ladies and gentleman, today I come to you with a heavy heart. Today we are at war. This is not the typical war in which we send soldiers to foreign lands. This is a war being fought right here on the blogfront. Today the underground war between the blogosphere and the main stream media (hitherto known as the MSM) has reached its boiling point. Yes, we are now at war with those we have struggled against for so long.

We are not without our heroes. In fact each and every one of you that blogs against a mistruth doled out be the MSM is a superhero. Our quest for truth in journalism has lead us to hone our research skills and WPM speeds. Yes, we are now pushing the envelope in the theory of blogativity. We are no longer just men and women. We are supermen and women.

Why Jeremy! Whatever are you talking about?

I'm saying we have honed are skills to the point that we are better than the average typist. Things have changed in our fingertips, good things. Haven't you felt them start to tingle after many long hours? No, that's not carpel tunnel. We have evolved. Here, let me give you several examples so you may recognize them amongst regular men and women.

Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce you to just some of the members of BLA, or Blogger's League and Alliance.

Ogre from Ogre's Politics and Views is also:

The Llamanator! Okay, yes I know that's Joe Camel. But isn't Ogre just another smooth character? Superpowers: He doesn't need superpowers! He's the Llamanator! People quake in their boots in the fear that he just may spit! (or bleat)

and his trusty Llama steed, Rusty.

Songstress7 from News from the great beyond is:

The Beyonder - I had a rather difficult time discovering her secret identity. It was shrouded in mystery and I was unable to place what superhero she really was. What finally have her away was her uncanny ability to pull previously unseen things out of the blogsmos. Even then I wasn't sure. There are several superheroes with this ability. Was she Spectre? No, that's a guy. Maybe Parallax? Definitely not. Parallax was a reincarnation of the original Green Lantern, who was a guy, named Hal Jordan, who is now the Spectre...(Isn't comic book history fun?) The only one I wasn't sure of was the Beyonder. Due to the ethereality and ability to change matter of the Beyonder you could never tell. Well, now we know. The Beyonder is really Songstress7.

Smarter Cop is obviously:

Robocop? Supercop? No, Smarter Cop. He doesn't have a secret identity. There is only SmarterCop. He doesn't need a secret identity. He's smart enough to avoid the trouble associated with keeping a secret life.

So now that we know SmarterCop is SmarterCop what are his superpowers?

Well, look at that head. Could his special skill be anything other than full and compete understanding as to the theory of blogativity? I could go further into the talents derived from great intelligence, but that would go into the golden age of comics the King of blogs tournament; Back before the Llamanator was part of the council. Suffice to say that what is derived from SmarterCop is something the enemy is loathe to attempt: logic.

Instapundit morphs into:

Hawkman. Why Hawkman? Well, it's not because of his great hawk like abilities. I'll tell you that right now. It is 100% due to his indigestive, regurgitation powers. That's right. Glenn Reynolds has honed his blogging abilities to be reaching critical blog (part of the blogativity theory again). You see, he has taken the digestion issue out of the equation and is therefore capable of blogging much faster than other bloggers. Unfortunately, the substance of these things is much degraded, almost to the point of being non-valuable.

Julie from Passing Thoughts... and JulieB from Julie with a B are:

The wonder twins - Okay, yes. I know that the original wonder twins were a BOY and a girl. It's still quite alright though. JulieB has been tested and writes like a boy, so everything is still cool. So what are these girls' talents? Other than confusing the heck out of me when they leave comments they have the uncanny knack of slipping in a good jab without actually offending anyone. I'm not really sure how they do it. However it's done, it's an extremely valuable talent for a superhero.

Norrin Radd is:

Silver Surfer...DUH! This pretender has found his inner superhero. It has consumed him. Well, that and wrestling. I wouldn't be surprised to find him in some home movie jumping off a turnbuckle, but I digress. Silver Surfer has the distinct power of not giving a rats arse what other people think. You don't think that's a superpower? Just write something unpopular and see how you handle the severely negative feedback. It makes you think twice about what you write.

Daily Kos Is:

The Incredible Hulk - Who else can personify that liberal rage that lives within the Kos? When Kos is peaceful and in a happy place, he's...What the hell am I talking about? No one on Daily Kos are ever in their happy place. It's like they've turned the dial to full on rage and then ripped the dial out of the wall. Straight up, they're mean, green and full of rage. You don't think rage is a weapon either? Go check out his hit counter and tell me rage isn't powerful.

Indepundit, aka LT. Smash is without a doubt:

LT. Rock - No, not SGT. Smash. In order to demote him down to SGT. one would need an act of congress to enact his courts martial. Nope, we need to promote the good SGT. to LT. Every good league or alliance needs their tough as nails, seen it all, done even more middle leadership element. was blogging Iraq back when there was only a whacky Iraqi named Salam Pax blogging the war. Yes sir. He's been to the soup and back. There is no better person to lead bloggers into battle than Rock.

Unless, of course, you have more than one army to lead. In such an event you need Jane and her Armies of Liberation on your side. So ho is her superhero persona? Jane is:

Wonder Woman (in Amazonian battle armor) - Unlike Rock, Jane is more the blogger of persuasion. She understands the need to appeal to another generals preferences while still maintaining the prime directive. This is definitely one Amazonian you want to take onto the battlefield.

Every legion of superheroes needs a place to hang out and wait for the next villain to strike. Scooby Doo had the Mystery Machine. The Teen Titans had Titan Tower. Well, the Bloggers League Alliance has Blogger headquarters: The Evangelical Outpost; Also known as BLAH, or Bloggers League Alliance Headquarters.

Okay, true. It's a little bit old school. It's not as cool as the Justice League Unlimited's global satellite, but if it was good enough for Superman it should be good enough for us.

I've been speaking of an enemy. Yes folks, we have a great enemy in the world. This enemy has been among us for many years but has never before gone on the offensive like they have in recent times. We have listened eagerly to what they say. Learning about the goings on in the world from what they have fed us through our feeding tubes, also known as boob tubes. Yes folks. I'm speaking of the evil Dan Rather and the rest of the main stream media. It's time to take the red pill.

They have established themselves well on their lofty perch and are not afraid to sacrifice some of their own in order to save the mastermind behind everything. This dastardly villain is none other than Dan Rather:

(Rather talking to his minions)
Yes, this is his villain persona. Does anyone need an explanation? Isn't he villainous enough as is? He fights against everything good in the RNC. He fights against truth, Bush and us snarky, uneducated bloggers in our pajamas. He is the bane of many a good typist.

We have received some forward intel. on a few of his senior generals. They may not be a dangerous as Rather himself but give each of them a wide birth. They are to be considered armed, with a microphone, and dangerous:

Keith Olberman is:

Cranial, rectal Inversion man
This is an absolutely obvious one. How else can he get the information he does. His head is already at the source of where he's pulling his data. It seems only natural that this would be his evil villain persona.

Larry King is definitely:

Gollum - Just look at the arched back, the cruddy comb-over. Larry king is Gollum, pure and simple. Larry has some other Smigel like abilities as well. He appears to be a harmless and weak frog, but don't let him suck you in. The moment you let your guard down he'll jump on you back and try to bite off your He will try and steal the one ring of power to direct the minds of those who watch him. Be forewarned, if he ever utters the words "my precious" it's time to run, or change the channel.

Rush Limbaugh is:

The Kingpin - The Kingpin has had many dealings with drugs, so has Rush. The kingpin is a pompous, arrogant arse, so is Rush. Heck, they even look similar. Rush's main power lies with the many he's sucked in already. He has formed his army of dittoheads and is ready and willing to run a few back-alley gang beatings against all who oppose him. Don't be caught on his bad side.

O'reilly is:

The Pith Lord - Okay, I am Photoshop disabled. Just Imagine O'Reilly's mug under the hood.

He means to take over the empire of the airwaves through pith and bloviation. His weapons are the constant declaration of absurdity and an over inflated ego. As of this moment he is the ruler of the empire. He is plotting to take over the young jedi of Canada for his If found trying to piece together real facts from this man quickly pick up your closest dictionary and you will discover the obvious truth: this man makes no sense.

Al Franken is:

The Joker - We really don't know that much about Al, except that his career before joining the MSM was as the Joker. Since that time he has gone into hiding on some form of old, deep-rooted wavelength medium known as "the radio". We at BLAH have been searching far and wide for information about this criminal, but he has gone so deep into hiding that even the internet is unable to turn up any good data on him.

Any well formed evil alliance will have a base of operations. We have worked very hard and lost many agents to bring you the following information. Take heed and use it well. We have found their base of operations orbiting our planet. They will take to the stars with the assistance of Virgin airlines owner, Sir Richard Branson. The following image is only an artist's rendition from stolen blueprints and scale models. Deep in the heart of CBS studios we have found plans and most of the major components for:

The Death Star - Fortunately for the BLA we have been keeping up with our Star Wars movies. We are relatively sure that a direct hit to their reactor core will destroy their base of operations if they can complete it.

Now all we need are more superheroes willing to risk their lives free time in order to put an end to the MSM once and for all. We are fighting for truth for everyone, not just those with deep pockets. We are fighting for unbiased journalism by being as biased as we can possibly be. Most of all though. We're fighting for the Llamas!

Do it for the Llamas!

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